What is invalidation?
What is invalidation?
Let's start with what validation is.
Validation = when your internal experiences (thoughts, feelings, beliefs) are respected, understood, and acknowledged.
Validation is incredibly important because it shows you that your experience matters AND being validated consistently over time strengthens your sense of SELF.
But what happens when you are consistently invalidated? You begin to question whether your thoughts and feelings are right. You may have a hard time making decisions. You may shame or shut down your own feelings. And over time, you loose your sense of self.
In essence, being invalidated by other people or society leads you to invalidate your own self. You end up REJECTING yourself.
What does invalidation sound like?
I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it
That sucks - just try harder next time
It could have been worse
I'm sure it wasn't that bad
Crying won't help the situation
Are there different types of invalidation?
There are many different types of invalidation. Here are some of the most common ones I have experienced, have heard, or have shown up in the stories shared in my therapy room.
The "BUT": They start off by saying something nice like "I know that sucks ....." and then they say the dreaded word "BUT" which takes away everything they just said.
Cheerleading. This is a form of invalidation I often see with parents. When you are really struggling with something and then someone says something like "Oh it's so easy - you can do it" this invalidates your internal experience of struggle.
Minimizing. "Could you be overreacting?" and "Don't worry" are common phrases that send the message to people that their feelings are over-exaggerated. The person invalidating you is pushing away your experience. Sometimes it can also sound like - "It happened so long ago, maybe you should move on now."
Inattention. Have you ever shared how you felt to someone and then they change the subject or automatically start talking about themselves instead of acknowledging what you've said? Inattention or ignoring someone is another type of invalidation.
Problem solving. It's great to get some suggestions to a problem you may be facing. When the person jumps straight into problem solving mode however, it also jumps over your feelings and experience.
How to validate yourself?
The process of learning how to validate yourself starts with acknowledging the invalidation you have experienced is something you have LEARNED to do over time. The self doubt, self criticism, and tendency to shut down/shame your internal experiences did NOT start with you. It likely started from invalidating messages you received from someone or from society. So healing = learning to let go of these self critical voices you've heard so much in the past and re-learning a new language of self-validation.
Here is an exercise to help you validate yourself:
Notice the urge to invalidate/shame/shut down your emotions
Name the feeling
List 3 reasons why you feel the way you feel (do this without judgment or the urge to explain why your feelings are valid - over-explaining is a consequence of being invalidated so much )
Now tell yourself “Thank you for sharing your experience - I can see why you would feel this way”
This process may feel hard, uncomfortable, and even unauthentic at first. This is normal. After all, you have spent many many years invalidating yourself - so be gentle, kind, and patient with yourself.
Practice makes progress 💜
Self-validation is a building block in the process of healing.
Since self-validation is so important, I created a workbook that goes even deeper into:
What invalidation is
Different types of invalidation to look out for
What the consequences of invalidation are
And even more exercises to validate yourself.
I wanted to make this guide easy to work through and SUPER affordable so you can grab your copy of the digital workbook here for only $15!
Video of the month:
I've been really enjoying the channel After Skool on Youtube and watched a short video titled How influencers become brainwashed by their audience. It's a thought provoking video that will invite you to reflect on how much of your authentic self is being influenced by the demands of society, other people, and social media.
Book of the month:
I already believed in life after death because I believe we are all energy being returned into the world. This book really solidified my beliefs. Saje and Serena are the daughters of late spiritual teacher, Wayne Dyer. They talk about their journey of grieving the death of their father, their relationship to his spirit in the afterlife, and the amazing things that can happen when we slow down and tune in. Highly recommend - it's like chicken noodle soup for the soul.
Reflection Prompts:
For this month's journal entry, let's focus on self validation. If you don't have time to journal or you're going to forget about this email after reading it - PAUSE - I invite you to do some self-reflection right now 🔮
When I expressed an emotion when I was younger, the messages I received from my family was ....
As a result, when I feel strongly about a situation - I tend to ....
This is helpful/hurtful because I .....
Instead I can try to ....
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If you find journaling hard - that's normal. Write freely without caring about the way it reads because after all, they’re your own private words for you and you only.
Journaling can also provide you with many interesting insights about yourself, which is helpful because awareness is the first step towards healing.
And that's all from me for this month's newsletter. If you enjoyed the information in this blog today, stay up to date with regular posts about psychology and self love by following me on Instagram!
